Grief, Anger & God
I have read about the different stages of grief. Anger is the second stage of grief according to grief.com. I don’t think I really went through the first stage “denial”. I don’t see how you can deny something that you personally witnessed. I didn’t really care when my Sammy Boy died. I was just devastated. That was my first stage. I still can’t get the image of my best friend looking up at me as he took his last breath. I made absolutely sure he wasn’t still alive when I laid him in his grave. He still looked pretty good considering the circumstances. He was beginning to get cool but I didn’t wait for the stiffness (rigormortis) to set in. No, there was no denying that he was gone.
I do have a strong belief in Heaven and spirituality and very quickly found comfort in my faith that Sammy’s spirit was in Heaven. (see my post “I’m Dealing with Pet-Loss“) But I think I was trying to skip right to the last step of grief which is acceptance. I was of course in shock at first and trying very hard not to be depressed to the point of dysfunctionality. It gave me great comfort to imagine my friend in Heaven. I even wrote a song and kept singing it in my head all the time.
“I know you’re the lucky one,
you’re up in Heaven having all kinds of fun…
while I’m down here feeling lonely and glum
I know you’re the lucky one.”
Actually, maybe that was my form of denial.
I had written a book to help people with pet-loss called “My Pet Letter from Heaven” (available on Amazon). In my book I allude to the fact that when our pets get to Heaven they will actually be with us… not the us that we are here on this world but the perfect us… the us that God sees… the “Jesus version” of us that becomes evident when we accept Jesus as our Savior and our old self dies with Jesus and is then raised with Jesus and is with Jesus in the “Heavenly Realms”… only to be manifested fully after we die and go to Heaven. So I imagined that Sammy was with this version of me in Heaven and we were having great times together.
Well, that worked for a while but I kept saying out loud, ” I miss you so much Sammy”. Everything I did around the house reminded me of him. I kept reliving the last moments before his death and couldn’t help but think how it didn’t have to happen that way. I blamed myself and I finally blamed God. How could he let this happen? I’m still going through this anger stage right now I think.
I really don’t think God minds if you get mad at him sometimes. It’s not a matter of lack of faith. It’s more a matter of having an honest relationship with God. Sometime you have to let your anger go so God can help you with it.